Increasing Emotional Intimacy in Romantic Relationships
By Dr. Julie Landry
Emotional intimacy is crucial to our individual well-being as well as the health of our relationships. For most, emotional intimacy is a core fundamental need and the primary reason we seek companionship. Despite its importance, we often struggle with understanding exactly what it is and how to improve it.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is often defined as a closeness in which both partners feel secure and loved. It fosters trust, vulnerability, and connection. It’s what helps us feel seen, heard, and valued.
Unfortunately, some of us have built-in barriers that make it difficult to build emotional connections. Attachment style plays a large role. So do your experiences in past relationships. Depression can also hinder relationships as well as personality disorders and other mental health issues. Poor communication, conflict, and unrelated stressors can all erode intimacy.
Emotional intimacy is a key component of both platonic and romantic relationships. In romantic relationships, emotional intimacy is not the same as physical intimacy but it can improve your sex life. And who doesn’t want that?
Signs of emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy will look different in each relationship but may include:
● A mutual feeling of safety and trust
● Confiding in a friend
● The sense that you are connected on a deep, meaningful level
● Shared communication, even when the conversation is difficult
● Physical affection
Emotional intimacy shouldn’t be confused with unhealthy relationship habits. If trust and communication are lacking on one side, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Other signs that indicate a lack of emotional intimacy include feeling unfulfilled by the relationship, feeling dismissed or invalidated by your partner, or feeling lonely when spending time with the other person.
So how do we build emotional intimacy?
Rituals
Date nights are great, but dinner and a movie may not do much to deepen your connection. Create rituals with intentionality to build intimacy and make you both feel seen and heard. These may include a scheduled emotional check-in, morning walks, virtual coffee and convo with your BFF, or a 6-second kiss when you return home from work.
Appreciation
Appreciation is one of the most simple and effective ways to increase emotional intimacy.
Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. explains,
There’s a habit of mind that the masters have… They are scanning their social environment for things they can appreciate and say ‘thank you’ for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.
Disaster strikes when partners focus on each other’s flaws, which sometimes feels pretty easy because we each have plenty of them. Instead, look for all of the things you appreciate or enjoy about your partner.
Reminisce
Revisiting fond memories reinforces the shared meaning in your lives. It also helps build positive feelings while creating a deeper emotional connection. One way to incorporate this is by using the phrase “Remember when…”. You can also use shared memories to reflect on the times in which you felt most connected emotionally and then try to recreate that moment.
Genuine care and concern for your partner
This probably seems obvious enough that I didn’t need to include it in the list, but consider this: do you actively listen to your partner with presence and compassion each time they speak? How often do you put effort into the relationship? Do you prioritize your relationship?
Emotional intimacy doesn’t happen spontaneously. Auto-pilot doesn’t get the job done. Communication is the bedrock of building trust, which in turn helps build emotional intimacy. Be an engaged listener and an active participant in your relationship.
Learn to fight fair
Conflict might be the last thing you would think of when contemplating emotional intimacy but hear me out. Conflict is inevitable in close relationships. It’s an opportunity to learn more about the other personality and create compromise.
Get a fresh perspective
No matter what kind of relationship you’re in, your own emotional ‘stuff’ makes it hard to see things clearly. Asking friends and family for their opinion is one option but often we feel judged, they talk about their own concerns, or depending on the situation, we worry they will not like the other person in the relationship after hearing all of the details. Talking to a therapist can help you identify maladaptive patterns, recognize your blind spots, and support you with practical solutions.
Take care of yourself
If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or other emotional symptoms, they likely show up in your relationships leading to strain, conflict, or disinterest. Talking to a therapist or other mental health professional can be a great way to care for your mental health and well-being. If you are struggling with anxiety and/or depression and want to improve your emotional intimacy, contact Dr. Julie Landry.
Author’s note: Dr. Julie Landry is a board-certified clinical psychologist and former Army officer. She is the founder of Halcyon Therapy Group and the co-founder of Calliope Mental Health. You can read more about Dr. Landry’s work at https://www.drjulielandry.com/
References
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E., Vallone, R., & Bator, R. The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167297234003
Otto, A. K., Laurenceau, J. P., Siegel, S. D., & Belcher, A. J. (2015). Capitalizing on everyday positive events uniquely predicts daily intimacy and well-being in couples coping with breast cancer. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000042
